I have a friend, a very dear friend, who's faith is being tested in the most unimaginable way.  She is losing her 24 year old husband to cancer.  Although he has been terminal for a short time now, the end is near.  Yesterday he told her that he was "done" and just wanted to fall asleep.  I am waiting, waiting for the phone call, waiting to buy my plane ticket, just waiting....  Waiting for him to leave her a widow and a single mom.  His daughter will never fully comprehend how much joy she brought him.  Or that he considered her his miracle.  Oh, yes, people will tell her, but she won't remember.... 

This brings back painful memories for me.  Sitting in my dad's hospital room waiting for my dad to die when I was 18 years old.  Bleeding profusely during my pregnancy only to find out that Claire was already gone....

I know God has a plan and I know that we can't begin to wrap our human minds around what that plan is, but how does that dull the pain?  I understand the pointlessness of asking God, "Why?" "Why is this happening?"  I know that the truth is that someday I will know.  My friend's husband is soon going to join my dad and daughter in a place far better than this.

So, now I go back to waiting.  Waiting for the phone call, waiting to buy my plane ticket, just waiting...

I became born again just a few months ago, and since then I have needed somewhere to work through my feelings.  This seemed like a terrific outlet for me.

First, I have so much shame in my life.  I have been married twice and have a child to yet a third man that I lived in sin with for over a year.  I have been to confession and I completely realize that I have been born anew.  The problem I face is fear.  I am terrified as to what people think of me regarding my past.  When I meet another Christian, it seems to be that their lives have always been pretty much perfect.  They are not a single mom, they have not been divorced, they seem to have gotten everything right, way quicker than I have.

Now, I am happy with my life, I have a  beautiful daughter and a wonderful fiancee that completely respects my faith!  He goes to church with me and is willing to "wait until marriage."  He isn't where I am on the walk to Christianity, however, he is getting there.  I pray for him a lot.  He believes and that is a big step in the right direction.  He hasn't had his big "A-HA!" moment yet, but I definitely feel that it is in the works.

Secondly, I am struggling with finding my place.  I have been raised Catholic and continue to attend mass, while, my fiancee and I search for a church family of our own.  I cantor at mass, which is something that brings me tremendous joy!  However, last week, Father approached me about being so bubbly when i sing and greet the congregation.  I was horrified almost to tears.  I felt like he was asking me to squelch my joy in singing praise to Jesus, my Lord and Savior!  Now, more than ever, i feel like I don't belong there. 

So far, I have tried many different churches. 

I tried a Baptist church, and felt very judged there.  Perhaps not all Baptists churches are like this, but try explaining that you still attend Catholic Mass to a Baptist and you might see where I am coming from on this.  Secondly, my second husband was training to become a Baptist minister.  He also cheated on me.  It doesn't leave a warm fuzzy feeling....

I tried a Congregationalist Church.  Here is where I am sure I am going to step on toes.  They are way too open minded for me.  I think that its pretty clear in the bible about several topics, that shall remain nameless that  the congregationalists embrace as OK.  I am not OK with that, I don't really believe that any human being has the right to pick and choose which aprts of the bible are OK and which ones aren't.

I tried a Non-Denominational Church, which I loved until the minister spent an hour and half asking for money.  Is this a normal practice?

I tried a Quaker church, which was also great until they started talking about spending all of this money on audio bibles for Third World Countries.  Now, I do believe that everyone needs to be exposed to the Word, however, what about our Christian obligation to feed these people.  These people also need nourishment and medical care, when do we take care of that. 

This ends my journey so far...  I would be open to any suggestions and prayers.  May the Peace of the  Lord be with you all.